Sophomore Attempts Vegetarian Challenge, Eats Five Chickens

Three weeks into the US Literature environment challenge assignment, one sophomore has allegedly already killed and eaten five or more chickens from the SHP farm. Like many other sophomores, he chose to participate in the vegetarian challenge, in which students abstain from eating meat for 24 hours, reflecting on it in a journal. The sophomore, Apollo Jacobs was reportedly very pale and distant during A and B period this past Thursday, before excusing himself to the restroom immediately after Centering Prayer, and ten minutes before the chickens’ disappearances. Investigations began after he returned to class half an hour later, covered with blood and feathers. When questioned about his prolonged absence, he replied “Tengo mucho hungry,” sat down, and began his test. Staff later searched Jacobs’ locker and found his Moleskine journal. The latest entry into his notes, titled “Veg Challenge,” was mostly empty, with three bullet points “detailing” his experience. The first bullet point read, “I packed a salad for lunch.” The second note, clearly made later in the day, stated that he ate the salad but was left “unsatisfied.” The third, unlike the others, was written in pencil: “I had to break the rules. I ate some chicken.” The margins of the page were filled with multiple iterations of the word “hungry,” hastily scribbled and underlined profusely. The page corner was torn and warped from what was likely saliva. After being informed that the notebook had been discovered, Jacobs denied his possession of one in the first place. Once it was shown to him in person, he claimed it was “a different Apollo Jacobs.” Jacobs was promptly put on home study for the rest of the semester.
Following the events of this gluttonous genocide, the farm has been struggling to recover. Along with the five chickens that have been confirmed dead, up to 4 more have been reported missing. The emotional impact of this catastrophic loss has been felt all around the SHP farm, with egg productivity dropping to an all time low of 0.34 per day per capita for the week, following the disaster. Efforts have been made to return the hens to their former efficiency, but all attempts so far have been unsuccessful. In a recent interview with Mr. Slafter and Mr. Pitchford, when asked about their view of the situation, they said: “Oh the humanity” in unison and refused to answer further questions. This Friday, there will be a closed casket funeral for the lost chickens. Freshmen, Juniors, and Seniors are encouraged to attend.