![Artist Spotlight: Matthew Koo '26 [Nationally Recognized Violinist to play at Carnegie Hall]](https://shpmedia.org/wp-content/uploads/2024/04/IMG_6859-800x1200.jpg)
Transylvanian entrepreneur with comfortable Victorian mansion seeking young woman with glowy skin and AB negative blood type. I am a night owl; fond of cobwebs, moonlight, and small rodents. Hobbies include reading, bat-watching, and running a hotel for the disenfranchised. Looking for someone to fill the empty space in my coffin and invite me into their house. –Edward
Hideous, 8’ creature with nothing to my name but the love in my literally stolen heart. I exist in spite of God, and my hobbies include ruining my creator’s life and nothing else. Looking for a bride who is made for me, willing to join me in my relentless pursuit to relieve myself of my daddy issues. Must be tolerant of the Arctic and share a passion for hating mankind. –Wretch
Wealthy, retired monarch with spacious Nile-side condo in Thebes, looking for someone to spend the rest of my afterlife with. I’m a cat person, decent-looking with linen, and my heart is light as a feather. I like going on long walks in the Field of Reeds, emitting low groans, and setting traps. Looking for someone who can read the Rosetta stone and is unbothered by jars of organs. –Cleo
One-of-a-kind lonely soul, terribly desperate for a mate. Looking for a rebound relationship after the last girl I took home lied about being single. I enjoy swimming, building dams, and people-watching. I’m photophobic, bald, and have rosy red lips. Looking for a girl who likes spelunking. –Gillman
Noble, patriotic man, not very bright, looking for someone with a good head on their shoulders. Hobbies include horseback-riding and chasing superstitious people. I am a firm believer that chivalry is undead. I hate cannons. Looking for a beautiful woman with great expectations, the daughter of a Dutch farmer perhaps, who won’t flirt with their lanky schoolmaster. I cannot stress enough my hatred for cannons. –Brom
