The BBB’s (Backpage Broadcasting Bannel) print wing brings horrific news today. Handbook section 16.7, which originally stated that a student’s transcript must be given to the college counseling office “no later than the second Friday in September of the senior year” has just been changed to “the second Friday in September of the student’s senior year” for clarity. Mass hysteria ensued. 

While the initial effects of widespread shock and paralysis proved disastrous, the destruction has been mostly gradual. Hundreds of thousands of students were swept up in mass outrage. Here is an account from local student and victim Robert “Duke” Tom.

“At first, it seemed like everyone was paralyzed metaphorically, but it turned out they were literally paralyzed — in the thousands. This change was THAT shocking. Then it was like the whole world was on fire! Everybody not paralyzed had been suddenly possessed by hysteria, and before I knew it all of my friends were pushed to irreparable insanity. Everything I’ve ever loved is gone now. I’m one of the lucky ones.” 

Truly wretched. Despite the scale so far, projections see hysteria rates further increasing- tomorrow it may rise to the 100’s of millions, the next day could see it at 10 billion, and the next it may even reach 500 trillion! 

In the words of Graham Keller, one of the few intelligible students left, “oh the humanity!”