Whether it’s necromancy, divination, alchemy, or turning someone into a small woodland creature, sorcerers never seem to agree on the best way to punish a mortal for their hubris. Often, sorcerers of ancient times criticize their spritely 300 year old contemporaries for being too soft on each new generation of humanity, and vice versa! To answer this question once and for all, we got two of the most renowned wizards from the times of yonder and days of new to sit down with Backpage to give us their story. 

Enoch the Magnificent: “Every punishment is a whole Rube Goldberg contraption nowadays. Back in MY millenia, we didn’t have any of this moral fervor that you see all over. You don’t HAVE to punish mortals with some reinterpretation of their greatest sin; Sometimes you just have to prove a point and blow a peasant to smithereens with a well placed lightning bolt. THAT’S how you get any respect; Otherwise you get these mortals venerating the poetic justice of the moment instead of paying attention to who really matters: YOU! And if I may, I must add that the locales of some of these so-called “sorcerers” are really quite unprofessional indeed. They plop themselves down wherever their hearts desire, probably in the middle of some residential area. Everyone knows that for maximum efficiency you must isolate yourself in a tower of stone far, far removed from such distractions.”

Tim: “Ever heard of the Salesforce tower? Uh huh. That’s me. That’s m’ pad. Not a flex, just a fact. Oh yeah, Enoch? Love that guy, but what I just don’t think this old geezer gets is that times have changed since the plebeians of old cowered before him, and it’s a whole new era now. Me? I’m only 200 and breaking records every day. I’ve gotten more people addicted to Candy Crush than he could have ever dreamed of subjugating back in 1990 BC… And honestly, it’s a lot more AWESOME. People don’t even blame me! To them, I’m just a cog in the system. And hey, don’t get me wrong, smiting the occasional heretic is still a great time, but that’s not all being a sorce’ is about! I can do everything he can do, BETTER even, but some mages just don’t wanna get with the program. Anyways, gotta run. I’ve got a Crystal Ball with the Zuck in 4.”