2025 marks the 30th anniversary of the greatest film of all time, Toy Story. But beyond being a perfect movie, how is that pertinent to the social climate of SHP today? I’ll tell you why. Toy Story is about to happen to you. And not in a cool, “Andy’s coming!” sort of way. It’s coming from what you carry around all day. And they aren’t here to be friends. The Backpacks are coming (insert Paul Revere).

Many SHP students have been wondering and expressing their grievances about the backpack policy being enforced strongly this year. While backpacks in classrooms and out of lockers is indeed a safety issue for emergency exits and potential thievery, the most important issue isn’t our safety: it’s the backpacks’. What students aren’t supposed to know is that a curse was unleashed upon the world upon the 1995 release of Toy Story – inanimate objects can now come to life. 

Now, if the backpack were instead something cute and harmless like a Ouija board or a Labubu doll, it wouldn’t be of concern. But the deadliest object of all came to life and did terrible backpack things, which has been the biggest threat to students for these past three decades. Specifically around the Halloween season, scientists have found that 99 in 100 high school students who leave their backpacks in unlocked lockers have returned to find their homework, as student Tom Hanks Class of ’05 accounted, “covered in sticky eraser shreds and their cell phones snapped in half” (though, in the 2000s, it was their precious BlackBerrys that were destroyed).

The deans have been skillfully subduing the Backpacks since then, with much success. But how do the deans know all this while students are unaware? That information is on Double Secret Probation (real ones know). But, anyway, this is an important threat to be aware of nonetheless. So, uh, I guess keep your backpacks safe. Or you can get your homework messed up and have a better excuse to give your teachers than “my dog ate my homework.”