The Backpage brings fantastic news for Marxist revolutionaries worldwide, thus (obviously) humanity as a whole! 

Recently, the SHS administrative regime attempted to distribute the RSCJ’s “Little Red Book” to students, staff, and residents on campus. The “Little Red Book” of the Chinese Cultural Revolution was accidentally purchased, and truth was unwittingly disseminated amongst the masses. Reading Chairman Mao’s timeless words of wisdom, people across campus began to plan the revolution. 

Last week the Oakwood nuns, the most virtuous and devout revolutionaries, quickly seized key positions across 3rd floor main. The struggle was empowered by influence over SHP bureaucrats and the silencing of silver-tongued “history” teachers peddling anti-Marxism. During a skirmish on 2nd floor main, the propaganda-stuffed library was righteously burned. By the time the nuns had successfully conquered Main, heroic students had begun uprisings all across campus. The greatest paragons of Maoism were the Middle Schoolers, who had already rebelled against authority for generations. Re-education programs for the student population were swift and successful, which I can personally attest to, being subject to them myself! Remaining bourgeois sympathizers were quickly purged. Do not misplace empathy; revolution isn’t for the weak. 

This is a turning point in the history of Sacred Heart and the world, for we are spearheading global Maoist revolution! We have already eradicated regressive traditions like rock-n-jock, centering prayer, and loudly shouting “sacre couer”. We’ve just begun a 5 week program to kickstart our industrial economy, particularly on the farm, also the source of all SRSHS (Socialist Republic of SHS) food. We will collectivize the senior steps. Our efforts will bring the world to the glorious final stage of history: communist utopia! 

Revised by the SRSHP Ministry of Truth